You Don’t Have To Be Dumb To Work Here But It Helps

The time – one sunny afternoon on a relatively workless Friday. The place – the Java Green outlet at the mall next door. The characters – the Java Green cashier and me.

Me: Hi, I want a small coffee. Do you have anything smaller than a regular cappuccino or a regular latte?

JGC: Sorry ma’am, we don’t serve small coffees.

Me: Okay, tell you what, just give me an espresso with a shot of milk.

JGC: Espresso is plain black coffee, ma’am.

Me: I know. But…

JGC: It’s very strong, ma’am.

Me: Yes, I know. But can’t you give it to me with some milk?

JGC: Ma’am, espresso comes without milk, ma’am. It’s plain black coffee.

Me: Yes, yes, it’s just…

JGC: Americano is also strong black coffee, ma’am.

Me: Wha…?

JGC: You could go for a cappuccino or a latte, ma’am.

Me: I don’t want a cappuccino or a latte! They’re both too much to drink! I want something smaller. Why can’t you give me an espresso with milk?

JGC: No, ma’am.

Me: What?

JGC: We don’t serve espresso with milk ma’am. Espresso is plain, black coffee ma’am.

Me: Listen, you little imbecile. I knew the difference between an espresso and a cappuccino while you were still learning how to count to ten. Now, I know that’s what your IQ probably is. What you don’t know is that I’ve had a pretty frustrating day trying to write witty lines promising eternal beauty to ugly, middle-aged women. So don’t push your luck and connect all the loose circuitry in your brain so that you understand this: whatever pithy amount they’re paying you to wear a neon green apron, it’s not worth getting your face stuffed into a steaming hot milk jug. If the guys at Barista can manage to do this, so can you. So. Give. Me. An. Espresso. With. A Shot. Of. Milk. NOW.

(Of course, I didn’t say that. Well, not out loud anyway. I believe it was something along the lines of “Fiiiine, a latte please”. Ashish, my friend, you’re not alone, you see.)