• Vedashree Khambete Sharma

The Asshole Gene

I used to think that all human beings are essentially selfish. It’s an evolutionary left-over, a sort of survival trait if you please. And I used to think that the principal sign of love is when a person stops thinking of themself the whole time and actually starts thinking about another person, their thoughts and feelings, their likes and dislikes.

I also used to think that there are no good or bad people in the world. It’s situations that make people act in a good or bad way.

I’m putting both these beliefs on the back-burner today and proposing a new theory: the existence of The Asshole Gene.

Most of us are born with 2 chromosomes – XX or XY, as the case be. But some are blessed with an extra gene. This gene transforms them into uncaring, unfeeling, unbelievably selfish Assholes.

The capital A is important because it sets them apart from other regular assholes. You know, the usual kind. Who cut across you in traffic. Who talk loudly on their cellphones during movies. Who tell you to get married before you get old. The regular, everyday variety.

No. The other Assholes are different. They don’t give a shit about the pain and frustration their actions cause either. But their actions are painful and frustrating on a much grander level.

Like the Asshole who cheats on two women he claims to love, with a completely different third woman! At the same time! Who raves and rants when dumped on this basis. And uses the dumping as an excuse to pour his heart out to and gain sympathy from other unsuspecting women. I mean, really, what kind of a prick does that?

An Asshole, that’s who.

Don’t get me wrong though. I’m not saying that Assholes can only be men. Oh no, nothing of the sort. I’m sure there are enough women out there who can be nominated for the title. But the Asshole who inspired this theory just happens to be a man. And he leaves a trail of distraught, destroyed women in his wake every time. Intelligent, attractive, fabulous women who’re strong-willed and wonderful. Who become the worst versions of themselves, thanks to the emotional manipulation of this… this… Asshole.

Well, that stops now.

You know who you are. Stay the fuck away from me, from us. Or by God, I’ll make sure everyone else knows who and what you are.

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